GROTON, Conn. – In recent weeks, Fitch High School has reported an unusual uptick in the strange, apathetic behavior of students participating in group projects. 

Students were assigned to work in small groups on projects, with one or more of them acting distant, detached, and participating very rarely, if at all. Students in all four grades and across a variety of subjects are experiencing similar situations. 

“He just sat there,” complains an anonymous group member. “He did friggin’ nothing.”

This student was assigned a collaborative book report with two of her peers last Tuesday. The class began ordinarily enough, with the three students gathering together and beginning the report. But as the class period progressed, they began to notice the strange behavior. 

“He wouldn’t talk to us, he wouldn’t look at us, he wouldn’t do anything. It looked like he was sleeping with his eyes open,” says the other student, who also decided to remain anonymous. “If you’re going to zone out, at least look busy. He didn’t even have his computer open!” 

By the report’s due date, the trio had only finished a fraction of the work, blaming the dysfunctional member for “inhibiting the dynamic, restricting our working abilities, and giving us a [redacted] terrible grade,” says the first member. The accused declined to comment. 

This is just the most recent development in the rising cases of students doing nothing. At the time Falcon Press went to press, 13 different students had been witnessed exhibiting this behavior. Fitch students are advised to continue with caution and keep a watchful eye out for any classmates acting unusually quiet, withdrawn, and apathetic.  

Note: this article is a work of satire…but you should always help your groupmates out 🙂