ATLANTA – Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control recently discovered a new bacterium that could be deadly to people who carry a Y chromosome.

It was first discovered in a cave when researchers picked up a strong scent of AXE body spray coming from an unforeseen crater in the back of the cave. One of the male researchers who led the expedition took a sample of the yellow substance and immediately felt symptoms of losing money on sports betting, hallucinations of characters from “The Godfather,” and being responsible for choosing a restaurant to eat at. 

Since the discovery, this bacterium has taken the world by storm. Hundreds of populations of Y chromosome-carrying people are being swept, and a majority of them are in the United States. Most cases were reported at football stadiums, gyms, and within a 10-foot radius of a PS5. 

One case in Miami Beach reported that a male attempted to dance his way into a bachelorette party when he slipped and made contact with the bacteria. 

“He was doing a very uncoordinated version of the Dougie, and when I thought he was about to do the worm, he started screaming like a girl,” said bride-to-be Valentina. “His biceps started shrinking, and he kept saying the name ‘Corleone,’ which made me think he might be a part of the mob? Also, he started coughing up protein powder.” 

Many males have been seen in quarantine, trying to escape this deadly bacterium. However, it has been discovered that the scent of gas used to power a Ford F150 also contains the bacteria.

As of now, funding from male sports teams is being redirected to professional women’s teams; more women are in elected offices; and every public restroom in the U.S. now has free menstrual products. 

Many women are asking themselves, “What could be so bad about it?”      

This article is a work of satire. But just in case, I’m going to binge-watch a De Niro movie marathon for the next few days.