GROTON, Conn. – In an attempt to implement a program administration is calling “he ultimate auditory upgrade,” Fitch High School officially retired its traditional electronic bell system recently in favor of something far less annoying.
The recently added and much derided standard bell chime has been replaced by a high definition, 120-decibel recording of nails dragging slowly across a vintage slate chalkboard with an ancient recording of a Mongolian throat singer. While one might expect massive panic, the student body has reacted with unprecedented levels of enthusiasm.
According to a memo released by the Department of Sensory Optimization, the change was implemented to combat second period slump.
“The old bell was too melodic and soothing,” said the administration. “Students were drifting into class in a dreamlike state. Now, the moment that screech hits the intercom, the collective adrenaline spike is enough to power a small city. We’ve seen hallway transit times improve by 400%.”
Students’ reactions have been overwhelmingly positive. Junior Hanah Masters noted while squinting through a localized migraine that she no longer requires her daily morning double espresso, as the soul-piercing frequency of the bell has effectively permanently dilated her pupils. Others have pointed out that the sound provides a unique bonding experience as the entire student body has the same involuntary facial twitch.
“It seriously has sinus-clearing properties,” said junior Vy Ngo of the upgrade. “I can’t feel my teeth, but when that 7:38 warning bell hits, I’ve never felt more alert.”
Not content with merely rupturing eardrums and shattering the occasional glass trophy, the administration is in the process of green-lighting Phase 2 of the sensory nightmare to ensure the momentum of the rising test scores and the localized brain hemorrhages. New hallway protocols now officially categorize the “cowardly act” of plugging one’s ears as a direct assault on school spirit.
For now, the students of Fitch High seem absolutely thrilled to “leap for joy,” although physics suggests they are actually just experiencing the involuntary, full-body muscle spasms that occur every time the intercom crackles to life with a sound that makes a dial-up modem sound like a soft Victorian lullaby.
This article is work of satire. We could only pray for a sound that much more pleasant.
