GROTON. Conn – On Thursday, April 1, 2025, the iconic satirical news site, The Onion, purchased the Fitch Falcon Press for the cost of one freshman staff member and Mr. Pecka’s daughters’ eccentric artwork. 

This decision was made abruptly after The Onion attempted to purchase the far-right conspiracy news outlet Infowars. Unfortunately, a United States judge blocked this purchase, so The Onion had to resort to high school newspapers. 

It was only 12 hours before this article was published that all Falcon Press staff received an email from Jeff Lawson, the owner of The Onion, outlining the purchase details. 

“All I remember is waking up to my phone screen turning completely green,” an anonymous staff writer reported. “Before I could read the notification, my eyes started watering.”

Rick Pecka, the editor-in-chief of The Falcon Press, agreed to the deal and even offered his daughter’s interesting artwork, to which The Onion staff reluctantly agreed. The most grim part of the deal was choosing a freshman to sacrifice to the writers of The Onion.  

“We played a game of ‘eeny-meeny-miny-moe’ and my fate was decided,” the ill-fated freshman remarked moments before being whisked away. 

Now that Fitch High School’s newspaper is under new ownership, staff writers are forced to write satirical stories and must meet the comedic guidelines of The Onion. New stories under this banner can be found at this link.

This article is a work of satire, but if The Onion is willing to give us money, we’d totally be down with that.