Fitch High School sent a ParentSquare message late Wednesday afternoon alerting parents that a flesh-eating plant was inside the school, which was reported to be responsible for a 4% drop in the student population.
This alert comes as an advisory has been instituted against students being alone in biology classrooms in an effort to protect students from the flesh-eating plant. Furthermore, the school district reportedly attempted to use rat poison to subdue the plant, to no avail.
“I was in Honors Biology when suddenly, and without warning, there was a total eclipse of the sun,” said an anonymous student. “In the confusion, I heard this strange humming noise, and when the light came back on, that plant was just sitting there.”
Reportedly, the plant began to attack students and teachers, seeking flesh in order to be satiated, while students reported the plant yelling “Feed me!”. Some students have reacted by forming a task force to resist the rapid growth of the plant, called the Association of Unified Defense Resisting Evil, Yearning, Carnivorous Plants, or AUDREY for short.
“This plant is a danger to our student population, not seen in decades,” said the founder of AUDREY. “It is up to us, the students, to act urgently to stop that carnivorous plant from its rampage.
The founder noted how crafty the plant is, warning that escalation is likely.
“This plant seems to have the ability to take over other classrooms and schools, and maybe even the world. Students need to follow our Instagram page to stay updated on our resistance efforts.”
Fitch High School’s theater directors have also raised alarm bells on the potential takeover from this plant, reminding students of Fitch’s 2023 production of Little Shop of Horrors, which has seen a 1,400% uptick in views in the last week following the incident.
Despite the concerns, the junior class has benefited from many students being on a field trip the day the plant was first spotted.
“Our class is guaranteed to win the attendance competition this month,” a Fitch junior told the Falcon Press. “I’m hoping to win that gift card! I mean, provided I don’t get eaten before they hand them out.”
This article is a work of satire, although if such a plant did exist, we imagine some of the students it devours would give it wicked bad indigestion.
